Fortnite’s Booty Battle Royale: Fans Demand Respect for Solid Snake’s Backside!

by: 
hello world!
Jake Brown
| December 12, 2023
hello world!

Respectfully, what the hell is going on in Fortnite? Lately, the game has had an interesting few months, with its latest season bringing back old content, such as maps and weapons, dubbed the OG Season. But now that Fortnite’s latest season has arrived, a whole new cast of characters has come into play, including the legendary hero, Solid Snake. Despite how epic this is, there is one significant flaw, where on earth is this man’s ass?

Over the years, Solid Snake has not only been known as being one of gaming’s most iconic characters starring in the Metal Gear Solid series and appearing in games like Super Smash Bros but he has also been known to be dummy thicc (junk in his trunk). If Epic Games intends on bringing the Snake with the cake into a world where children discover the character for the first time, then they best make sure the clap of his ass cheeks keeps alerting the guards.

As a character that still has 30+ days before he is officially released in the game, there is still time to do him justice and inject some solid into this Snake. It’s not like they can’t do it. I believe that hot buns can bloom on the battlefield. One of the greatest skins in the game currently (and you can fight me on this) is thicc Venom. They gave that man such a badonkadonk it makes every dance emote in the game look a million times better. It’s a proven fact that characters that come equipped with their own bakery are just simply built different. So why can’t my boy Snake receive the same treatment?

As I descend into the warzone upon releasing my (hopeful) Cypher parachute, I want all those beneath me to stand at attention in awe of Snake’s glorious gluteus maximus. When I’m slain on the battlefield, I want my killers to be able to dub themselves the “cake eater.” I want Snake to be unable to fit into a cardboard box comfortably because his (marsh)mallow gear solid is popping out. When Snake stands tall after achieving a victory royale I want all others to know that they were slain by the buns of the patriots.

Let’s hope that Epic can see that fans clearly want this in time and give it the love it deserves before the damage is done. Come, on Epic, help a guy out and put some respect on this man’s name. Make it like one of Otacon’s Japanese animes and give us the buns of liberty, the twin cakes, and the pound zeros; otherwise, we fans will just be left with the phantom booty. Help spread the word so that we may successfully execute Operation: Dump Truck.

No matter Snake’s outcome, now is the perfect time to enter or return to Fortnite to unlock this character before it is no longer available after the season ends. Are you excited to see Snake in Fortnite? Let us know what you think in the comments.

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Drew Lewis
4 months ago

Where’s the petition? I need to sign it right now! Bring back Snakes thicc ass!

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