So You’ve Become a Dice Goblin

by: 
hello world!
Michael Saint Gregory
| May 10, 2023
hello world!

In a world plagued by war, climate change, and streaming services changing names, a new threat is lurking in the shadows: the sinister pastime of tabletop role-playing game (TTRPG) dice collecting. A result of becoming a collector is a transformation not unlike what Gollum became in the Lord of the Rings. What starts as a hobby soon becomes an obsession. Inevitably, the collector devolves into a covetous creature of resin molded madness. Before they can realize it, their fate is sealed. They have become a dice goblin.

To understand this transformation, one must be aware of how easy it is to fall into the trap of becoming a hoarder of a gaming tool. The TTRPG world is filled with an allure of community bonding, group storytelling, and hours of entertainment per session. When a new player becomes involved, their usual first purchase becomes a simple set of dice. The occasional game has now lured them into the next step of transformation where the activity becomes a hobby. 

As the hobby’s popularity soars, many innocent souls are falling victim to its alluring charm, ensnared by the spell cast by these polyhedral menaces. Perhaps you have fallen victim to this addiction and are seeking guidance toward understanding – and even curing – your collective habits. Well friends, fear not, for I am here to help.

Like the Sirens of ancient Greek mythology, the seductive call of TTRPG dice can be impossible to resist. Their entrancing colors and patterns, as varied as the species of insects in the Amazon rainforest, beckon collectors to add “just one more” set to their ever-growing hoard. We’re all familiar with the serotonin boost that comes with each purchase. Chasing that high can easily lead even the simplest and most innocent player to become obsessed with the pursuit of the clickety-clacking tumblers that determine your character’s fate.

A simple d20 is all it takes to start the hoarding

Yet beneath the hypnotic beauty of these small, resin trinkets lies a seething maelstrom of danger! 

Unbeknownst to the novice collector, each die conceals a sharp edge capable of delivering a swift and painful skewering. The dreaded D4, known to some as the “Caltrop of Doom,” is particularly nefarious, waiting patiently in the darkness for an unwary foot to stumble upon it. They have replaced the threat of those loose Legos that inexplicably fall into the roots of carpeting,  plaguing parents and youths alike.

But physical pain is only the beginning… The psychological toll of dice collecting is far more insidious. Once gripped by the addiction, collectors often find themselves unable to think of anything but their next fix, scouring the depths of the internet and local game stores for that elusive, limited-edition set. 

Specialty dice are like a siren’s call to a collector.

Friendships and relationships crumble in the wake of this all-consuming obsession, as loved ones are replaced by piles of dice that seem to multiply like rabbits. Accessories for carrying these collections become part of the fixation. Soon, the unsuspecting player finds themselves with suitcase-sized cases or, in some instances, entire barrels filled to the brim.

Even the most seemingly innocuous interactions with fellow collectors can prove perilous. Dice trade negotiations often devolve into bitter disputes, as each party vies to protect their treasured hoard. Like dragons perched atop mounds of gold, collectors will go to great lengths to defend their prizes, and woe betide any who dare to covet their precious polyhedrons. Like the corrupted Gollum from the Lord of the Rings, they stare at the multi-sided treasure in their hand and let time slip away.

The financial ruin wrought by TTRPG dice collecting is another devastating consequence. What begins as an innocent purchase of a single set can quickly spiral into a mountain of debt as collectors succumb to the siren song of artisan dice crafted from rare materials, such as meteorite or mammoth ivory. No price is too high for the collector in the throes of dice lust, and many have been driven to the brink of bankruptcy in their pursuit of the perfect set. There are even rumors that banks across the country have started secret “Dice Fund Loans,” conspiring to enable players who have fallen to their basest cravings.

As the number of dice enthusiasts swells, experts warn of the potential for an impending “dicepocalypse.” If left unchecked, the world’s supply of TTRPG dice could reach critical mass, leading to a catastrophic cascade of colors, burying entire cities in a tidal wave of plastic destruction.

In the face of such calamity, we must all take a stand against the insidious allure of TTRPG dice collecting. Only by resisting the seductive song of these polyhedral pests can we hope to avoid a fate worse than the game night where the pizza never arrives!

In light of all of this, I am offering my services to lighten the load. Through my own selflessness, I will happily take the excess dice you may have become burdened with and safely stockpile them in storage. 

By no means has this article simply been a scam in order to feed my own personal dice addiction! To be honest, I don’t even know why I would say such a thing. No sane person would even continue this train of thought. You can trust me. Just give me your dice…for your own good, of course. There are no ulterior motives.

Remember: friends don’t let friends become dice collectors. Together, we can turn the tide in the battle against these devious, multi-sided menaces.

(Seriously, though. Give me your dice.)

You, who has traveled far to gaze upon my writings… have you had the misfortune of developing the dice addiction? Let me know in the comments below, and we can wallow together in misery!

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Chant Macleod
Chant Macleod
9 months ago

Great article! However, my green Crown Royal Apple dice bag thinks you should shaddap.

Rob Dickerson
Rob Dickerson
9 months ago

Can’t wait for part 2 of this series: 10 Health Benefits of Eating Your Dice

Drew Lewis
8 months ago

I’m more of a treasure goblin in video games. Can’t resist treasure of any kind. Must acquire it at all costs.

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