I’m back with some more choice pop culture teachers! Make sure to check out Part One before you continue. Basically, I pick out a few fictional characters that I would want to teach me in various subjects of education. This batch will focus on the classes involving the human body. We are housed in complicated, fascinating structures. And I believe these fictional characters would help me better understand and care for it.
The healing factor is an important one. Experts of a damaged body and bedside manners, I would be in good medical hands with these gents.
Jack Shephard was the only doctor who crash-landed on a Lost island. This spinal surgeon tended to every injury of his fellow survivors and became a de facto leader because of it. He kept (a majority of) people alive in an intense environment. And he did it with extremely limited resources. I still berate his involvement in a love triangle during such serious times, but nonetheless, I trust his medical hands.
Hacksaw Ridge is one of my favorite war movies and true stories. All because of Desmond Doss. He took his non-violent Christian beliefs to heart as he wouldn’t even touch a gun. But he did everything in his power to save more than 75 lives in the middle of a warzone. He also had a perfect bedside manner, remaining positive and friendly to the men he delivered from hell. You can learn a lot from this man, not just about medicine.
Now take that friendly, happy doctor type and turn it inside out. Doctor Leonard McCoy, aka “Bones,” is another OG Star Trek main: the chief medical officer. He always made sarcastic, cranky comments whenever the captain did something stupid. That never got in the way of his skills or loyalty. Although he may only come in handy for the future of medicine, all things considered.
You probably don’t recognize the last guy. That’s because he doesn’t have a face! (Well, no face model.) Resident Evil 7: Biohazard and RE 8: Village are played from the perspective of Ethan Winters, an everyday man simply trying to save his family. But I’m only here to talk about the healing salves he makes. Ethan gets brutally injured, entire limbs severed, but just pours that herbal juice on himself and comes out fine! Whatever is in that stuff, we need that!
When you get dropped in the middle of unfamiliar, shitty surroundings, you need to know how to stay alive. These people went through the shitiest circumstances and still survived.
Katniss Everdeen’s life was always dark and shitty. She had to step up to the motherly role and provide for her dirt-poor family. She made her own bows and arrows to live off the wilds. So it was no surprise that she could make it to the end of the Hunger Games. Only when people “got in the way” did she struggle. Much like myself, she is not socially adept. Her teachings would have to be one-on-one.
Sydney Prescott redefined the “final girl” horror trope. The ones that came before only survived by running. Sydney doesn’t run; she fights back! She was the main target of Ghost Face, yet she kicked their ass in several Scream movies. Sydney proves that the will to survive is just as important as the skill set required. She would probably be the “too cool for school” teacher as her school experience was a bit traumatizing.
The hardiest (and sexiest) choice for surviving the apocalypse: Leon S. Kennedy. One of the faces of the Resident Evil franchise, he was thrown into the zombie chaos with only his police training to save him and others. He gained notoriety, progressing in a world trying to regain control. No matter how far Leon is backed into a weird corner, he fiercely shoots his way out of it.
Cartoon characters can typically survive anything. However, Tom Cat has gone through hell. The fact that he is famous for his screams is messed up (and hilarious). He just wants to catch Jerry Mouse, but that psychopath makes it impossible! Sure, he can be an asshole, but no man or cat deserves this level of abstract pain. I would pay to know how Tom survives every creative torture the animators— I mean, Jerry put him through. #StopTheTomAbuse
Our bodies are the most important tool/weapon we can master. P.E. was never my “thing,” but if I had these powerhouses as my coaches, I might’ve considered a gym membership.
The Bride fights through the bloodiest of circumstances to get what she wants. But it’s a lot harder to Kill Bill than you’d think. She hits rock bottom frequently yet forces herself to push on. Resilience and persistence are important to fitness. Although she won’t be too hard on you, she won’t be easy either. Her limits definitely surpass mine, but she makes me believe that no feat is impossible when you set your mind to it.
Rocky Balboa is the poster child/man of physical education. His iconic jogging scene in his first film shows us that a healthy journey comes before the hard-won destination. If you want that trophy (or that great body), you have to work for it! And although I haven’t seen all the Rocky movies (don’t @ me), I will never forget Rocky’s speech to his son in his 2006 film. That scene alone proves what a great coach he is.
You can’t just train your body without training your soul. Everybody wanted Yoda to be their Jedi master growing up, and I’m no different! Cool force powers aside, Yoda is a 900-year-old philosopher guiding his pupils toward understanding the mind and the world around us. His wisdom isn’t boring either. He has a senile sense of humor to keep you on your toes. But you can’t lift the X-Wing (or gym weights rather) if you don’t believe you can first.
Sometimes we need someone to yell in our face when we work out. How about Kratos: A god with a temper who loves butchering monsters to protect his family. He reminds me of those angry drill sergeants in war movies but is really good at heart and gentle when it counts. And he took a Hel of a journey (Norse mythology pun win) to become a well-rounded barbarian. Just don’t screw up too much around him, or he’ll call you out, boy!
This may be an uncomfortable subject for conservatives, but sex education can’t be suppressed any longer! We must understand our bodies’ desire to connect with one another, or else we aren’t safe and healthy. These eccentrics can teach us the ins and outs of getting down.
Yes, I am condoning Lucifer, the Devil himself, to teach “the sex.” The moment he entered the Fandom, he dripped with charisma and appeal. He is extremely honest, so he isn’t afraid to talk about the naughty stuff with literally anyone. But he ain’t a man whore, he genuinely cares about people. Sure, he might bang the students to get them a good grade, but he’ll do it safely (and experimentally).
That stereotype of older people being, well, too old to engage in “the sex” died when Grace and Frankie took over. These silver queens are open and unafraid of the changing times. In fact, their own husbands became gay for each other. Every dirty thing you can think of, they’ve probably done or witnessed. Not just on the naked stuff either. So they won’t (completely) judge you in the classroom.
Frankenfurter is just a sweet transvestite from Transsexual Transylvania, aka a mad scientist alien who wants to sleep with everyone. Rocky Horror Picture Show came out when “the sex” and being openly weird were frowned upon. Now it’s a cult classic. Although portrayed with malicious intent, Frank helps the repressed couple who stumble into his castle. We should never repress our desires. But we also shouldn’t kill or create a living sex doll, so Frank will be a “socially distant” teacher.
And that is all for part two! Awesome, I know. Engaging, you might say. Who would you want in pop culture to do your physicals? No, I do not want your “hit list,” that’s for another day…