So, there I was, making conversation in the pub, asking innocent questions just to keep the vibe going. The kind of dumb discussions friends make when they’re either avoiding serious talk about their lives (because, let’s face it, bummer) or because you’ve run out of things to say to someone they talk to all of the time. 

“What surprising anthropomorphic character from TV, film or video games do you or did you have a crush on? Even if it’s weird…”

I received a varied array of answers in reply (which will be another article at some point), but the one I was least expecting was: “My housemate fancies Godzilla.” My obvious instinctual reaction was WTF, but the more they explained it, the more it sorta made sense. 

Here are the reasons they gave to justify their infatuation. Buckle in, kids! You’re in for a wild ride!

1. Power

It’s not always the case, but some people are attracted to powerful folks. Let’s face it: Godzilla is a pure Alpha. He’s a big strong boi. Look at those arms! Look at those thunder-thighs! There ain’t nothing Godzilla can’t take on. And why would you even try? He’s got the reputation to back it up, like a nuclear-infused, less problematic Steven Seagal. Those muscles aren’t just for show…

It’s not just physical power, either. They don’t call him the King of the Monsters for nothing. Godzilla exudes leadership aura to the max. He has the respect of his rivals, even if they try to step to him. You don’t see Kong barrel into battle without a plan, right? Exactly. They know they’re up against the REIGNING, DEFENDING, UNDISPUTED CHAMPION OF THE WORRRRRLLLLLLD… GODZILLA!

2. Confidence

Confidence is hot. That’s what I’m told, anyway. I have the confidence of the average MLS player lining up against Lionel Messi. If you don’t know what that means, let me put it this way: your opponent just pulled out a Zapdos and your one remaining Pokemon is a newly caught Magikarp. Unconfident.

So, in Godzilla Minus One, when the big guy rocks up in Tokyo with the poise of a slightly stiff runway model, straight back, with all the swagger in the world, you can almost hear the collective swoon from all the guys and gals. Not a care in the world and not a self-conscious bone in his gigantic body, Godzilla knows how to project conviction. 

Someone get some ice to cool these people down!

3. Personality

Godzilla is a good guy at heart. He loves the world and does everything he can to protect it from bad influences (and ultimately destruction). Ghidorah wants to destroy the planet? Not on Godzilla’s watch. MUTO’s destroying cities and plunging swaths of the population into darkness by emitting EMPs? Godzilla will sort them out. He’s just a nice dude trying to do right by his home and his people. There’s nothing more sexy than that. 

Big G does have a tendency to rage and break stuff, which isn’t the best quality, but it just shows how much he cares deeply about the world. About you. At least he’s not the strong, silent type, right? You know exactly how he feels, and I’m sure people prefer a man who isn’t afraid to show emotions (to the right person). Godzilla is an open book.

4. Hot

Maybe Godzilla is just too hot. Yeah, he’s technically cold-blooded, but that just means he adapts to his environment. And, unfortunately, his environment was a nuclear explosion so, quite literally, he’s freaking hot. Plus, he’s got that whole fire breath / scorching laser beam thingy. You may as well cast him in the next season of Too Hot to Handle (I have no idea what that program is but you get the idea).

Aside from his temperature, he’s also pretty damn cool looking. He’s got more spikes than Johnny Rotten (The Sex Pistols), looking like a punk rocker and acting like one too. If you like bad boys, then look no further than Godzilla.

Conclusion

Godzilla is a sexy mother trucker. He’s a powerful, confident, enormous kaiju who is the ultimate conservationist. A benevolent soul with a steaming hot bod and the attitude of a punk rocker, the big guy is the ultimate anthropomorphic (weird, definitely weird) crush. 

I apologize to my friend’s housemate, who I was so quick to judge. After consultation, they had some damn good points. Godzilla is a babe. It may be wrong on so many levels… but why does it feel so right? 

Guys? GUYS?!