Boobs, Booze, and Reviews: Death On the Nile

hello world!
| May 13, 2022

I have the boobs, I bring the booze, and I review shit.

How this new review series works: This will be a series unlike any you’ve read before. At the end of each review, I will be giving my rating of a series or movie in the form of wine bottles. The number of bottles will depend on how many I had to drain to get through the series or movie. Thus, like in golf, the lower the number of bottles, the better the show or movie. A greater number of bottles means I had to suffer through it, chugging my way along. My scale will be 1-5. There will be no spoilers in these reviews, just an opinionated asshole with an unhealthy fascination for wine letting you know if you should dedicate your time to whatever I’m reviewing.

Let’s get started!

What I watched: Death on the Nile

Movie or series: Movie

Where to find it: HBO Max, Hulu

Length of movie: 2h 7m

Wine type: White

Wine brand: Yellowtail Pinot Grigio (Mamma’s on a budget, okay?)

Welcome back to Boobs, Booze, and Reviews! Before we dive into this movie, I just want to throw it out there that I have not seen Murder on the Orient Express. I also have not read any of these books. I know they are not sequential storylines, but they are congruent with one another and include similar characters, as well as the main character, Inspector Poirot. So I may be a noob to this type of delectably curated whodunit, but that just makes it more enjoyable for me!

Beginning with the trailer, this movie looks like so much fun. It has the perfect combination of drama, intrigue, beauty, and did I mention, just a touch of drama. There’s champagne, private boats, pyramids, dancing, wedding celebrations, and murder! What more could we ask for in a mystery thriller? The trailer does a perfect job at making you want to figure out who gets murdered, and how!

The run-time for the movie is doable. Pour your glass and prepare to have a seat! It’s a little longer than I would typically prefer to sit down and watch one thing, see my other Boobs, Booze, and Reviews articles for why (hint: I’m a new mom). But it’s perfect for a cozy Saturday night in with, well, cuddles and wine… Getting right to it, I thought the movie was fantastic. It has a killer cast (get it?), but to me, the writing and perfectly executed cheesy acting really delivered an enjoyable ride.

As mentioned above, the only continuing character in the series is Monsieur Poirot. Kenneth Branagh reprises his role as the French inspector with the expert mustache, as well as the directorial duty. Branagh has quite the experience in the director’s chair, with titles such as Oscar-winning film Belfast, Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit, Thor, and Murder on the Orient Express. For me, I will always know him most notably as Professor Gilderoy Lockhart in the Harry Potter movies. (Professor Lockhart turned into an Inspector, yeah right!)

THIS guy is Inspector Poirot?!

Alongside Kenneth Branagh, we have the delicious Armie Hammer (heh) as Simon Doyle. The Wonderful Gal Gadot (I’m on a roll today) plays Linnet Ridgeway, and she and Simon are the two characters the story revolves around. The remaining cast is massive! It includes: 

There are several more in Death on the Nile, but you get the point! It’s a huge cast full of multi-talented actors and actresses to be included in one movie.

Getting back to the movie (and the drinking), the cinematography, and, as I mentioned earlier, the writing is stunning.The views of the yacht cruising the Nile had beautiful symmetry and a sense of calm in the midst of the crime chaos. The interrogative conversations between Inspector Poirot and the potential suspects had remarkable wit hidden behind the mustache. I took a small sip for funsies. It’s hard to get past Kenneth Branagh with such a French accent, but I am pretty well-versed in the French language and culture, so for me, it made it more enjoyable! My mother is a hamster a French teacher who studied abroad, and is fluent in the language. I’ve also been there a few times, so it’s a love for me. With that said, his accent is quirky and I was impressed with the consistency of how correct it was overall. Cheers to a big gulp for accuracy! 

From the very start of the film, you get a semi-back story about the famed mustache that leads into the opening showing of Gal Gadot, Armie Hammer, and Emma Mackey. I took a big gulp to celebrate the beauty. Without going into spoilers, Linnet Ridgeway (Gal Gadot) and Jacqueline de Bellefort (Emma Mackey) are best friends, with Simon Doyle (Armie Hammer) being Jacqueline’s newly betrothed. They all meet up for a night of dancing, and it already had me and my fiancé guessing who was going to die. We took a small sip in anticipation.

The movie travels forward in time a few months to a wedding celebration in Egypt, where we board a boat to escape a newly jealous BFF (I’ll let you watch to figure out who). While aboard the boat–or should I say the fancy AF yacht–we get lavish, Roaring Twenties wealthy folks partying in a ballroom that would make the Titanic ballroom simply unworthy. I took a small sip out of jealousy… for the party! 

Prior to the murdering, the characters go on an excursion that has a momentous near-death scene featuring ancient Egyptian ruins. This results in audience whiplash, as we look from one person to the other and try to determine who the actual murderer will be. And the fun hasn’t even started yet! We see a sand storm that threatens to ruin the celebrations, but it promptly disappears following the Egyptian ruin fiasco. That was a quick little plot miss (or did it get murdered?!). I took a big gulp for the ridiculousness.

We now have a locale established, guests who will soon turn into suspects and victims, and other miscellaneous storylines purposely thrown into the mix just to throw off the scent. For example, Rose Leslie’s character Louise carries a potential grudge because Linnet (Gal Gadot) kept her from marrying the man of her dreams so she could stay in Linnet’s service. I took a small sip for the pettiness.

BFFS Gal Gadot and Emma Mackey in Death on the Nile, sharing a photograph to celebrate Emma’s character’s betrothal!

Other mishaps and arguments like the above cause you to think one character or the other will be the murderer or the victim, and I will say, we were wrong at every turn! Amid the crime spree, the writing keeps you guessing and proves to be the perfect blend of confidential and alarming at the same time. Who will be next?! It’s her! It’s him! No, let’s leave it to the professional!

In the end, Inspector Clouseau *ahem* Poirot leads us to the killer in a beautifully cheesy fashion, complete with dark rooms, single table interrogations, and sneaky guns. With that being said, I think it’s obvious that I really enjoyed this film! Unfortunately (for me), it is yet again a:

1 out of 5! 

Small sips win this one! The 2nd review also got my highest mark! Did you watch Death on the Nile? What were your thoughts? Do you have something you’d like me to watch and review? Let’s share a glass in the comments! Salut!

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