It’s been years since the rumours of a Minecraft film first surfaced on the internet. The film had gone through several writers and directors before anything more than concept art was ready. But then, director Jared Hess joined the project, and soon after, Jack Black was cast as Steve. A Minecraft Movie was finally moving ahead, but the question still nagged at me: how could they make a film about Minecraft?
Furthermore, was there any chance it would be good? When I got my first look at this film with its reveal trailer, I assumed it was gonna be terrible. But after new memes popped up after every trailer that flooded my TikTok feed, I became curious about how good or bad this film could be. However, as I sat down in a packed cinema, I quickly realised that I had made a grave mistake.
For being a video game all about creativity, the plot of A Minecraft Movie has very little. It starts with introducing us to Steve, a man who has always craved adventure. Specifically, the adventure that can be found in a mine. After quitting his day job, Steve ventures to the mine of his youth and discovers a crystal that opens a portal to the Overworld, the world of Minecraft. He builds a life there and spends years crafting whatever he can imagine, but a run-in with evil forces in the Nether leaves him trapped, and the portal is closed. That is, until siblings Henry and Natalie, along with 1980s video game champion Garrett Garrison and real estate agent Dawn, discover the crystal and the portal is opened once again. This unlikely crew will have to navigate this block-filled world if they want to return home.
After reading that synopsis, you might think that I’ve just summed up the first 10-ish minutes. Well, you’d be wrong because this is summing up THE FIRST GODDAMN HOUR. This film has one of the worst openings to any movie I’ve seen, and it just keeps going. There is so much exposition dumped on you constantly, and most of it is just Jack Black saying Minecraft terminology. It may have been funny, but they already used them in the trailers, so even that part fell flat. The story doesn’t get any better when they enter the Overworld either because it’s so scatterbrained and devoid of any meaningful story beats that it feels like a giant waste of time.
It’s a bare-bones plot that is held together by references and unfunny jokes, which led me to check the time several times throughout the film, hoping that it would be over soon. I thought that a saving grace could be the antagonist, but their motivation was that they weren’t allowed to dance when they were young, so they hated creativity. That has to be one of the most basic motivations I’ve seen, and they don’t even follow up on it whatsoever; it’s infuriating. Then there’s a romantic side-plot that I’m assuming was meant to be a funny cutaway every once in a while, but I didn’t laugh once and rolled my eyes so much that I gave myself vertigo.
With such a lacklustre story, you’d think the characters would’ve been the main focus, but alas, they’ve suffered the same fate. Jack Black is just playing Jack Black, which isn’t terrible, but he isn’t given anything to counteract the excessive goofiness he can bring. Instead, he’s just given a list of Minecraft items to say at random times to be later turned into memes (Chicken Jockey, for example). Jason Momoa as Garrett was somewhat interesting, but he falls victim to most of his dialogue and humour not landing whatsoever. I know this isn’t Momoa’s fault because I’ve found him funny in other films, including Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom. His very abrupt bromance with Steve would’ve been endearing if there was a proper build-up instead of just “You’re my bro now.” Like, at least try.
Henry and Natalie fared a little better, but not by much. Henry, played by Sebastian Hansen, is a decent enough kid character that I could’ve easily overlooked or given a bit of leeway if the rest of the film didn’t suck ass. He’s a creative prodigy who thrives in the Overworld, which you would think would lead to a dilemma for him: whether he wanted to stay or return home. But nope, that idea is touched on once and then forgotten about (just give me some kind of depth).
Emma Myers as Natalie is probably the character I enjoyed the most because she at least has some semblance of an arc, even if it was ignored most of the time. She was the only character to get me to laugh, though, so that’s something. And I don’t even know why Dawn, played by Danielle Brooks, is here. Her character adds nothing to the plot except that she likes animals. Danielle does fine with the role, but it would’ve made no difference if she weren’t in the script. And don’t even get me started on Jennifer Coolidge’s Vice Principal Marlene; I nearly died of embarrassment every second she was on screen.
One thing that I will give this film is that visually, it looks great. The CGI is better than most films in recent years, and the use of practical sets makes everything feel lived in. I didn’t expect any practical sets in the film, so to see them go that extra mile was nice (it’s something, I guess). They also did great with the mob designs, with the blocky monsters making the transition to hyper-realistic CGI models pretty well. I had my doubts when I saw the trailers about how these CGI creatures and animals would look, and I was pleasantly surprised with the final product.
The final thing I’ll touch on is the movie-watching experience itself. I saw this film in a packed cinema that would cheer and laugh at nearly everything that came out of Jack Black’s mouth. They also cheered for the Minecraft YouTuber cameos that littered this film, including a memorial to Technoblade, who has sadly passed away. These cameos admittedly went over my head as I was never a big Minecraft YouTube kid (Machinima was more my jam), but I can understand their excitement.
A Minecraft Movie is the worst film I’ve seen since Madame Web. The plot is nonsensical at best, and the characters are one-note with little to no development. The one with any semblance of a backstory is quickly pushed to the side in favour of Jack Black, saying, “First we mine, then we craft. Let’s Minecraft.” The film at least looks decent, and I’m sure kids will have fun with it, but they deserve better. We deserve better. Don’t bother with this film unless you have a kid who loves Minecraft or you want to rot your brain.
Have you seen A Minecraft Movie? What did you think? Did you think it was as bad as I did? Let us know in the comments where we can talk all things Minecraft.
