Slow Horses has been a staple of the awards circuit since the release of its first season in 2022, nominated for numerous BAFTAs, Emmys, Golden Globes, and a bunch of other less well-known ones (but equally important, of course). Gary Oldman plays Jackson Lamb, the head of Slough House, a place where MI5 agents go after they have royally screwed the pooch on the job and cannot be trusted anywhere else. They’re still a part of the service, but only technically, and it’s an embarrassment to be sent there.
Airing on Apple TV, there have been five seasons thus far, and it has already been renewed for seasons 6 and 7. It’s hugely popular, critically glazed, and has Gary FREAKING Oldman, as Friends will tell you, the best actor of a generation. It has all of the ingredients necessary to be a hit and feels like a home run.
However, no series has ever made me as angry within the first two episodes that I rage-quit the show. These are the reasons why Slow Horses was the first.
I have never seen a show before Slow Horses that introduced its characters in a way that made me hate them all. Every single one of them. They all sucked from the moment they first entered the show to the minute that I switched off, never to be seen (by me) again. “But, Iain! You only saw two episodes! You can’t judge a book by its cover!” Obviously you can’t, but I’m not reaching down to pick up a book if the dustsheet is covered in horse sh*t to the square millimetre.
We’ll leave River (Jack Lowden) to another section because he’s a whole different deal altogether, so let’s start with Gary Oldman’s Jackson Lamb. He’s vulgar, rude, and a drunkard, and not in the charming Jack Sparrow way. Lamb is dirty and dishevelled; everything about him is off-putting. In the first two episodes, we see nothing of Oldman’s fantastic acting skills, and instead are treated to farts and passive-aggressive put-downs directed at his team. If there is anything good about him, there isn’t a hint in the opening episodes.
The rest of the team are annoying as hell, and to be honest, I don’t even remember their names aside from Sid (Olivia Cooke), ranging from two co-workers who obviously like each other and hate the annoying other guy in the office who keeps wanting to socialise outside of work, to the antisocial hacker bro. But it’s not just the Slough House gang! Everyone in the rest of MI5 is just as bad, and I couldn’t stand them.
The setup of the plot had almost no effect on me. From what I gather, there was a right-wing terrorist cell operating in the UK, with racism at the forefront of their agenda. They kidnapped an Asian-English comedian, threatening to execute him in retaliation for the countless Middle-East televised executions of Westerners since the start of the Afghan and Iraqi wars.
Slough House isn’t supposed to be involved in any way, but a piece of intel related to the case needed to be couriered to MI5 headquarters, and, unfortunately, River was the guy to do it. He stole a look at the information, injuring himself in the process, and made it his life’s mission to “aid the investigation” to earn his seat back at the metaphorical table within the agency.
The setup was fine, but it didn’t draw me into a mystery. Most of the chess pieces seemed to be shown on screen, so there wasn’t anything to ponder aside from “how the heck is River gonna screw this up?” Give me breadcrumbs and I’ll follow them, making my own assertions about what is actually going on. The only series this type of transparency works for is Poker Face, where you try to work out HOW Charlie solves the crime, but in Slow Horses, it didn’t do that.
River Cartwright is a FUCKING nobhead. Yeah, that’s right. I always censor my swears, but River deserves this. I hated him so much after two episodes that I couldn’t carry on watching the show. It’s not that he’s a bad guy - in fact, he’s trying to be the best guy - but he’s so gorram incompetent that he is infuriating.
I can deal with many forms of incompetence on television. When it’s slapstick funny and it’s played for jokes, it can be great. Most sitcoms are built on this foundation in some regards. Incompetence, when you know that everyone’s in it for the right reasons and it just so happens to not garner a positive result despite everyone’s best efforts, can be heart-warming and usually accompanies a team bonding moment that everyone can learn from.
But River’s brand is just… nawwwwwww. It’s not it. He’s in it for himself, trying to earn enough points to get out of Slough House, and he is just crap at everything. His ego won’t let him believe that he should be where he is in his career because he’s River and he’s the best, right? It’s all a mistake! NO, RIVER! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK SO BAD! The last straw being the end of Episode 2, where his idiocy hurts his partner, Sid.
And, after that, I washed my hands of this show.
Look, I know this is a me thing. I’m the problem here, for sure. I’ve been told by numerous people how wrong I am for this opinion and that I should give it more of a chance because it gets reallllllly good. But I just can’t do it. If the concept is that these people are all idiots trying to do the right thing but failing horribly in every single way, then I’m out.
I’ve said before that I allow a new series two episodes to draw me in, but Slow Horses did something I’ve never felt before: it actively repelled me. This series is not for me, and that’s absolutely fine.
But I FUCKING HATE River.
What do you think about Slow Horses? Do you like the absolute weapon that is River Cartwright? Let me know how wrong I am in the comments!
