The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT) have been mainstays in pop culture since 1984 (not the dystopian George Orwell novel, the year). Beginning as a comic book written and illustrated by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird, TMNT became immensely popular with kids in the 80s and 90s as an animated series. Following Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michelangelo along with their master Splinter as they wage a crusade against Shredder, The Foot Clan and sometimes even aliens like Krang, the turtles even spawned a (bad) live-action movie or two.

More recently, the anthropomorphic turtles have transitioned into a Nickelodeon property, switching up the art style and rebooting the live-action movies, now produced by action film aficionado, Michael Bay. Although the quality of the franchise has fluctuated greatly over the years, one thing has remained true for the entirety of its run.

Raphael sucks. 

He sucks real bad, and there’s no question that he is the worst turtle of the bunch. It’s not even close.

Short-Tempered Asshole

In most installments of TMNT, Raphael is the renegade that everyone has to be on tippy-toes around in case he blows a fuse at absolutely nothing (we’re not talking about the outlier series Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where he’s basically a totally different character). You know the type of person I’m talking about. The type of dude you can’t have good-natured banter with because they take everything so seriously and are in danger of flying off the handle. This is a guy you don’t talk sports with on the day his team loses. 

He shows that temper on multiple occasions, challenging Leo’s leadership qualities and being generally irritable. In the original trilogy of live-action movies, he’s the only turtle that swears (in the PG-13 way that Farooq from WWE would be proud of), and he has a tantrum which culminates in him storming out when he’s arguing with Leonardo. Hell, Mikey and Donny even extricate themselves of the situation because they know what’s coming. In the first Michael Bay movie, I also remember him being threatening to Megan Fox’s April O’Neil. Like, I know Fox wasn’t the best April, but there’s no need to be that imposingly scary towards her. It’s a dick move. 

Fitting for this asshole as it may be. 

The Lone Wolf

Raphael has this habit of storming off in a huff because he’s not getting his own way like a big baby. Inevitably, after losing an argument with Leo about the best way forward with their current situation, Raph’s ego is too big to simply let it go. He has to prove himself to be worthy because he’s so awesome and he can do it all on his own and his brothers only hold him back from his full potential. Urgh. The amount of times I’ve seen Raphael get captured or hurt because he’s not a team player is astounding. 

He’s like the Daphne from Scooby Doo, Where Are You! You’d think it would be April O’Neil or Casey Jones, but absolutely not. Raphael is the Daphne (from the older shows. Daphne Blake undergoes some great character development in some of the later installments), and the worst thing is that he always makes the other brothers feel like they did something wrong to drive him away and get captured in the first place. He’s the worst kind of gaslighter. 

What Does He Add to the Team?

Let’s talk about his role in the team. The best way to do that is to look at the lyrics to the theme songs over the years. 

Firstly, the 1987 cartoon describes Raphael as “cool but rude” which Raph follows up by saying “Gimme a break!” What sort of reaction is that to being mentioned in a theme song? It’s his character. His niche in this incarnation was just to be rude to people while trying to be cool. He’s that kid in every class who tries to act tough by giving the teacher a hard time. You’re being a disruptive little sh*t and the sooner you drop out of education and get a job at in the service industry, the better.

In the 2014 animation, Raphael doesn’t fare much better. “Raphael’s got the most attitude on the team.” How does that help? It doesn’t. It has the potential to exacerbate situations rather than solve issues. I can see how it might be appealing to a 5-year-old to hear the cheeky stuff he comes out with, but it’s not a useful ability.

The others have defined roles in the TMNT team. Leonardo leads, Donatello brings the smarts and makes machines, and Mikey keeps morale high. You gotta take a break from seriousness every now and again and that’s Mikey’s job. They’re all good martial artists but Raph doesn’t have anything over and above that that makes him special. 

Summary

Raphael is the worst Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. He’s a short-tempered asshat who specialises in getting injured or captured by The Foot Clan. In terms of a team dynamic, he doesn’t fit in and even makes people uncomfortable around him. Raphael’s place in TMNT is categorised as “the one who has some attitude” and that’s a massive problem. 

Look, I love the turtles, and I don’t think the show would be the same with out this impetuous little sh*t, but at the same time, I’m done making excuses for the boy. Raph is a great fighter but he lacks the discipline of a ninja and actively creates problems for the team. Sure, you could say some of these things about Mikey, but his job is to lift spirits when times are low. You rarely need a rage-filled voice in the corner telling you you’re doing a bad job like Raph does. 

Raphael needs to chill out, take a page out of Splinter’s teachings, and finally fall in line. Maybe then he’ll climb my personal turtle rankings. I wouldn’t count on it, though. 

What do you think? Is Raphael the worst Turtle? Who is your favorite? How many hate comments am I going to get for speaking my truth? Let me know in the comments!