5 Terrible Godzilla Movie Pitches

hello world!
Iain McParland
| December 7, 2023
hello world!

It’s Godzilla Week on CouchSoup.com! All week, we’ll be feeding your hungry nerd souls with Godzilla, Kong and Kaiju content! That’s if Monarch doesn’t cover it up before we publish it all, of course!

With that, I may have exhausted all of my Godzilla knowledge, which is why I would be the worst person to pitch Beeg Lizard movie ideas. 

But here we are. We’re doing it anyway! 

  1. Godzilla vs. Kong: Attorneys At Law
Concept Art

Godzilla versus Kong. The war that rages on for what seems like an eternity. But that is not limited to just kicking and punching (it’s all in the mind; if you wanna test me, I’m sure you’ll find…). In Kaiju court, they’re also bitter rivals. 

In a world where Mothra is the presiding judge over a territory claims court, Godzilla and Kong fight for their clients Anguirus and Rodan respectfully. Who has the best claim to the north of Greenland? Who cares! All that matters is the game of one-upmanship these larger-than-life lawyers are playing.

We’ve seen them fight. Now get ready for the battle of wits!

(Credit my friends Billy and Abbie for the inspiration for this one)

  1. Godzilla 2: Roaché’s Revenge
A nice day… for REVENGE

A direct sequel to the 1998 Matthew Broderick movie. It has been 25 long years since the New York incident. However, while removing his image from Animal’s recording from within Madison Square Garden, Phillipe Roaché (Jean Reno), the last surviving member of the French Secret Service team, discovers the unfortunate truth. An egg survived!

The film follows Roaché’s hunt for the dangerous spawn of Godzilla and his emotional relationships with the families of his fallen comrades. But after 25 years, is he still the hunter? Or is he the hunted? Hank Azaria also reprises his role from the previous movie (because he was awesome).

  1. The Secret Life of Godzilla
Time to unwind

Opening: Godzilla defeats Anguirus for the umpteenth time, slapping that b*tch down and putting it in its place. It’s time to rest. The Big Lizard retreats to its lair for some much needed R&R. That is what we’re here for. 

Let’s deep dive into the inner workings of Godzilla’s mind and see what makes him tick. What does he do when he’s not saving the earth from other Kaiju? In a mockumentary style; we interview Monarch underlings who secretly serve the big guy, tending to his needs. They’re the ones who procure huge canvases so he can practice his watercolors. They’re the ones rolling his cigars. They’re the ones playing soothing melodies so he can recuperate in peace. And work on his novel!

  1.  Kaiju FC
I swear I had no idea this was a game already

Take me out to the BALLL GAME; take me out to the crowd… of screaming people cheering on Kaiju FC!

Yes, that’s right! Tired of murdering each other to death over centuries, Godzilla and Kong challenge the less benevolent Titans to a winner-take-all game of soccer in the open land of Antarctica. Cut to an eccentric billionaire tourist who, for some reason, has had a Field of Dreams moment and constructed a Guinness World Record-sized pitch, nets and ball and is looking pretty pleased with himself. 

Monarch devises a Space Jam-like way to create ringers for Godzilla’s team (can we get David Beckham?) and then televises the match deciding the fate of the earth. 

  1. PJ Masks x Godzilla
PJ Masks and it’s PJ Masks ROAARRRRR

Witness the rise of Luna Girl! Her moon powers give her the ability to control moths… all kinds of moths! When Luna Girl awakens Mothra, she becomes a force of nature on her way to world domination! It’s too much for Catboy, Owlette and Gekko, with Mothra’s size and power overwhelming them. Who can stop Luna Girl?

Back at HQ, Gekko, in emotional turmoil, taps into his lizard brain and summons the great Godzilla himself. Together, they must stop Mothra and Luna Girl once and for all!

Obviously in a friendly, non-murdery way where there’s a moral to the story. It’s a kids movie, after all.

If you would like to hear from real Godzilla nerds who actually know what they’re talking about, listen to Watching Now: The Monarch Files! Dan, Brandy, Lily and Tom (and maybe some special guests) will be breaking down everything from the Apple TV + series Monarch: Legacy of Monsters each and every week! Or until they’re wiped out by Ghidorah or something.

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