Let it be known that we here at CouchSoup.com are equal opportunity gawkers. Over the past few weeks, you’ve seen articles from Andrea and myself describing the baddest BADDIES in all of video games. I’ll let you decide who has the better list, *cough* mine *coughcough*, but I started to think that I needed to even out the love.
In the ocean of horribly disfigured demons, monsters, Napoleon-complex gremlins, and old wizards with no rizz, there stands a valiant few male villains who are more heartthrob than vomit-inducing. Sure, they’ll probably rip out your heart and stomp it into oblivion, physically or psychologically, but for that fleeting moment before it disintegrates, you’ll be happy you gave it to them.
Anyway, here are the 10 hunkiest bad dudes in the video game business. Get a cold compress ready: you’re gonna need it!
It’s right there in his name: HANDSOME Jack. He’s a good-looking dude, at least for the Borderlands universe. And he’s rich, being a successful businessman, and he has personality. An abrasive personality, for sure, because he’s always calling your Vault Hunter a waste of space and other derogatory terms. But, isn’t that how you used to tell that someone liked you in school? When people are mean to someone, they have a crush on them. That’s what we need to keep telling ourselves.
One of the pretty boys on this list. Sunday was one of the main antagonists in Honkai Star Rail. I’ve gotta be honest, I’ve never played a HoYoverse gacha game, and I’m not about to start now. However, I’m reliably told that Sunday was one of the best villains from Penacony, the leader of the Oak Family, and the Pathstrider of Harmony. I have no idea what any of those things mean, but look at this well-groomed man and his hair, styled like wings. He’s pretty.
The penultimate boss in Kena Bridge of Spirits, Toshi, is no joke. He will whoop your ass if you let him, a real skill check at the end of the game. Make sure you know how to parry and have collected as much Rot as you can to take this guy on. However, it’s not his fault that his spirit was driven mad. Toshi, the ruggedly handsome village leader, was just trying to save his home, and in the end, he inadvertently corrupted it. Toshi is a tortured soul, and I love him for it.
Cesare Borgia, the main antagonist in Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood, is a power-hungry and corrupt man using the church’s power for his own gains. The son of an actual pope, Rodrigo, Cesare became the Captain of the Papal guard after killing his own brother. His father tried to kill him with a poisoned apple, which Cesare double Uno reversed to the holy papa. So, he sucks, but he dresses well, comes from money, has a dope goatee and beautiful hair. That’s why he’s on this list.
You knew that Wesker was going to be on this list, and you were correct. A recurring villain in the early entries in the franchise, Albert Wesker is a traitorous b*tch, initially being a member of S.T.A.R.S. However, he was secretly working for the evil, zombie-making Umbrella Corporation. After a few hijinks, becoming a supersoldier, and being thrown into a volcano, he was eventually killed (or was he?). Let’s face it, we’ll all miss that chiselled jaw, slicked back hair, and commanding attitude if he’s actually gone for good.
I mean, not to be objectifying people, but this is sort of a list about objectifying people.
Hubba hubba.
Shiva is a dreamboat. He has silky long hair, tons of muscles, and he knows martial arts. Hell, in his boss fight in Streets of Rage 4, he can even summon astral versions of himself for double or triple the trouble. AND, he is near impossible to knock down, always landing on his feet even after special attacks. Shiva: What a man.
He looks a little blocky in this photo, but make no mistake, Liquid Snake got the attractive genes from the Snake DNA pool. Coming from the test tube of Big Boss’s loins, he makes Solid and Solidus look like trash bags in comparison. Whether in the guise of Master Miller or as himself, he always has the confidence and arrogance that complements his good looks. This is no more evident than when you’re having codec calls with him, where his designs are fully realised.
NO, YOU’RE WEIRD!
Have I got a problem? Maybe. Do we know what Pyramid Head even looks like under the big metal mask that would be very difficult to lug around all day? No. He probably looks gross like those evil nurses that lurk around all of the corners in Silent Hill 2. However, as we don’t know, we can just admire this guy’s physique. PH has really good posture, defined muscles and can wield a massive sword like it’s a carving knife. If that’s not who you want at the head of the table, dishing out turkey for Thanksgiving, then I don’t know who is.
I know he becomes an ally and a protagonist, but The Mad Dog of Shimano was originally Kiryu’s foil in the first Yakuza game. Majima just wants to fight Kiryu so bad, and Kiryu didn’t want to play with him. I almost feel sad for the guy. At least he rebounded to become an awesome dude, but even in those antagonistic moments, I loved to see him pop up out of nowhere to try and kick Kiryu’s ass. He was such a lovable guy; he became one of the series’ favourite sons.
I know, I know. It’s a boring choice, but Sephiroth is the obvious pick for a reason. He’s Sephiroth. Hell, he even has a dope-ass theme song.
SEPHIROTH!
The One-Winged Angel is despicable, tormenting Cloud, Aerith, Tifa, and the rest of your party in Final Fantasy 7. He also has that horrific moment at the end of Final Fantasy 7: Rebirth that we can NOT get out of our heads. If it made us cry with the polygon-like graphics of the original PlayStation game, then this was something else. All in all, Sephiroth is just that guy. He’s the bloke that we aspire to be, or be with. Why is it wrong if it feels so right?
What did you think of our list? Which stunning villains did we miss, and which ones did we get wrong? Let us know in the comments!
What?! No Bowser?! That thicc shell. Shoots fire from the mouth and probably other areas. Believes Stockholm Syndrome will be his salvation. Has a hit #1 single "Peaches". Clearly, you're racist against Koopas or turtles or whatever he is. Justice for Bowser!
he kinda pathetic tho. Sure, he's confident but he tries a bit too hard for him to get on this list. He belongs on A list, for sure
Father's Day in October? Sure I'll bite. Bring on the daddies!
Got to pyramid head and now I'm confused but I like it???